in-person in Santa Monica, CA | online in CA NY and TX

Did you grow up with a parent who was mentally ill or an alcoholic?

You may have noticed that even if you personally do not suffer from a drinking problem or mental illness, that you struggle in areas where your peers do not.

While you were young, you likely didn’t realize that you were living in a dysfunctional household. But now, as an adult, it can be challenging to process and accept. And you might still find yourself questioning what is “normal” and what isn’t.

It’s okay to let yourself feel grief for what you did not have as a child - in fact, grieving is part of the healing process.

Many of the clients that I work with grew up in an unstable environment. If your parents were often unavailable, this can impact your capacity to form a healthy relationship with yourself and others. 

You might notice patterns of codependency, such as people pleasing and difficulty setting boundaries. It might be hard to address your own needs, or you might have a habit of tending to others instead of yourself.

One of the best ways to help you form healthy relationships as an Adult Child of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families is therapy. 

Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Timmen L. Cermack, M.D. published a book entitled A Primer on Adult Children of Alcoholics in 1985 and his material is still relevant today. In the book he identifies 18 characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics, 

Here are eight of my “greatest hits” from Cermack’s list.

1. Fear of losing control

2. Fear of feelings

3. Fear of conflict

4. Overdeveloped sense of responsibility

5. Harsh, even fierce self-criticism

6. Difficulties with intimate relationships

7. Tendency to confuse love with pity

8. Fear of abandonment

What do Adult Children of Mentally Ill Parents have in common with Adult Children of Alcoholics?

I’ve noticed that many of these characteristics also apply to people who grew up with mentally ill parents, even when there was no substance abuse present. This is because there is a similar situation of a disease taking over a caretaker's ability to create a stable home environment for you. 

If you are an adult child of a mentally ill parent, you also likely experienced a similar sense of stress and unpredictableness in your home. It may be challenging for you to form healthy relationships or make decisions due to your childhood experiences.

While the term “adult child” was first applied to Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA), its definition has widened to include anyone who grew up with dysfunction in some way.

All These Years Later, Can You Recover?

It can be disheartening to read about the characteristics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and see your own personality traits and habits listed. 

There is hope, though. With therapy, you can start to focus on recovering from your childhood wounds and enjoy healthier relationships. Healing is possible through psychotherapy. Powerful modalities like EMDR, Brainspotting and Somatic Experiencing can help you heal childhood trauma. 

I’m licensed in California where I see Adult Children of Alcoholics and Mentally Ill Parents both in person and virtually. I’m also licensed in New York and offer online therapy to clients who reside there.