Making Time for Time

In an article entitled “Time Lost and Found” Anne Lamott talks about the challenges we face in making time to be creative and pursue our passion.  In this case she is talking about writing, you can substitute whatever passion suits you.  Positive Psychology is all about discovering flow, that sense of time standing still when we engage in an activity that satisfies and consumes us. I experience flow when I am cooking seafood risotto in my kitchen. I am in flow when I play ball with my friend’s reluctant Corgi (she is willing to catch the ball but unwilling to bring it back).  I am in flow during a session when I feel especially connected to my client.

Flow is about remaining connected with ourselves while getting lost in a pleasant activity.  My to-do list puts me into my head (thinking mode) and disconnects me from my true self; I do experience a momentary sense of accomplishment when I check the completed task off the list, but it fades as I move onto the next item. We must make time for time, in order to truly experience our lives.

Re-Learning Our ABCS

Have you ever noticed that sometimes it feels easier to stand up to other people than it is to stand up to ourselves? If a coworker said "you will never get that promotion because you are just not qualified, in fact, I think you are a slacker".  You might respond by saying “I am not a slacker, I work really hard and I have the highest customer service ratings in the department." When we engage in negative thinking, we often fail to defend ourselves.

Dr. Martin Seligman, the founder of Positive Psychology, suggests we first recognize our own thoughts as being pessimistic or negative and then treat those thoughts as if they were being spoken by another person.  The technique helps us to separate ourselves from our own negative thinking which is often referred to as "the committee" in 12 Step programs. Dr. Martin Seligman calls this technique the ABCDE model.
A is for adversity, B stands for the beliefs you automatically have when a pessimistic thought occurs, C is for the usual consequences of the belief, D stands for the process of disputing the routine belief and E is for the sense of “energization” that occurs after successfully disputing the belief.  Seligman's theory is that by employing the process of disputing the belief after adversity; we can shift our reaction from pessimism and giving up to one of action and good cheer.

Let's take an example- You are on the way home and you notice the "check engine light" has come on in your car (A for adversity). You begin thinking, "it's always $500 when I have to get my car fixed, this is probably a big problem and I am going to go broke." (B for automatic beliefs).  Next you start worrying about money and feeling anxious (C for the consequences if the belief). You decide to dispute the belief (D for dispute) “Maybe it is something minor, I will wait and see what the mechanic says”. You calm down a bit and take some deep breaths, maybe you feel a little less anxious (E for the sense of “energization” that occurs after disputing the belief).   The next time you catch yourself thinking pessimistic thoughts, try the ABCDE model and see what happens.

Are You Addicted To The Internet?

I am fascinated by our constant need to be occupied or busy; I like to think of it as an overall “addiction to busy” with technology playing a predominant role. Brenee Brown calls it “crazy-busy”. If we are always busy, we don’t have to feel the unpleasant feelings (or pleasant ones) that come up throughout the day; we numb out.

In my prior career, I felt compelled to check my email and phone before, during and after work. After work, my home computer would chime, letting me know I had new messages. I would glance at the screen, intending to answer one or two messages and return to whatever I was doing; before I knew it 30 minutes had passed. I was exhibiting at least one of the symptoms of internet addiction, spending more time online than I had intended. Today I check email several times a day and no longer use alerts on my home computer.

Dr. Kimberly Young is a pioneer in the field of Internet Addiction. She conducted the first study on Internet addiction in 1996, the subjects in her study met the same criteria as individuals who were classified as pathological gamblers. Gambling occurs in an environment where there is intermittent reinforcement. When people gamble, there is a pleasurable charge which occurs intermittently; it’s called a “variable reinforcement schedule”.

A variable reinforcement schedule exists when we use the internet. Dr. Young talks about the pleasure people receive when clicking and finding content on the internet, viewing a text on the phone, reaching a high score in a challenging game, finding pornography, searching for content on Facebook, etc. The variety and intermittent timing of these “hits” is what makes the internet so addictive.

Internet addiction is difficult to define. David Greenfield (1999) uses a number of terms including: Internet addiction disorder, pathological internet use, digital media compulsion, and virtual addiction. Digital media compulsion encompasses a wide array of devices such as smart phones, laptops, MP3 players and portable games.

Dr. Young developed the first screening measure for diagnosing Internet Addiction, the Internet Addiction Diagnostic Questionnaire (IADQ). The IADQ consists of the eight questions listed below

1. Do you feel preoccupied with the Internet, (think about previous online activity or anticipate the next online session)?
2. Do you feel the need to use the Internet with increasing amounts of time in order to achieve satisfaction?
3. Have you repeatedly made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop Internet use?
4. Do you feel restless, moody, depressed, or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop internet use?
5. Do you stay online longer than originally intended?
6. Have you jeopardized or risked the loss of a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of the Internet?
7. Have you lied to family members, therapists, or others to conceal the extent of involvement with the Internet?
8. Do you use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a dysphoric mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, depression)?

If you answered yes to 4 or 5 of the questions, you may want to examine your internet/technology usage. I have decided I would like to create a little more space between me and my technology. For more information see Dr. Young’s website http://netaddiction.com/.

Making Time For The Psyche

In our busy world we rush from one thing to the next. It seems like “busy” has become the latest “drug of choice”.  We are plugged into our phones and computers, responding immediately to texts, calls and emails.  I was in the restroom at the doctor’s office when I overheard a woman conducting a business call in the next stall; most of us have seen people driving down the freeway going 35 miles per hour and swerving between lanes while talking on their cell phones. There is a trendy 12 Step meeting in Beverly Hills where the format states “Texting is ok but please go to the back of the room so as not to distract the speaker or other members.”  It seems like we are trying to cram as many activities as possible into one day without truly being present for any one thing. I sometimes ask myself “Where did the day go?”

Dr Michael Eigen, a psychologist and psychoanalyst said “Time is God’s most precious gift, God’s most pervasive filter. To do away with time is to do away with life. The psyche needs time to work, the mind needs time to think, the soul needs time to feel, and life needs time to evolve.” I find that some of my most creative ideas come to me when I am preparing a meal in my kitchen or out for a run in the early morning.  Sometimes I forgo listening to my beloved Beatles music and drive to work in silence so I can create some time for inspiration. Therapy helps you carve out and prioritize time for self-learning, and one of my I specialties is using mindfulness to help my clients create space in their lives to recover their authentic selves.

The Happiness Advantage

The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work

By Shawn Achor

Buy on Amazon

One of my favorite books is The Happiness Advantage written by Shawn Achor, a researcher who studied Positive Psychology at Harvard University. Achor draws on a wealth of research (including his own) to support the theory that happiness fuels success as opposed to success fueling happiness. This is particularly meaningful for me having come from the corporate technology world where raises and promotions are the goal. Achor proposes that when we are experiencing happiness in our lives, happiness drives our success.

He proposes five scientifically-proven habits for improving one’s level of happiness; these habits are supported by research studies outlined in the book. Here is a brief look at the 5 habits. The first is the “Three Gratitudes”. Achor recommends writing down or saying out loud, three things you are grateful for each day for 21 days. It is important to do this for 21 days in a row because research shows it takes 21 days to successfully build a new habit. Be sure to include a reason for your gratitude. For example, “I am grateful for my dog Ginger because she is a wonderful companion and gives me a reason to spend more time outdoors.”

The second habit is called “The Doubler” which is a form of journaling combined with reflection. The “Doubler” consists of recalling the most meaningful thing you have done in the past 24 hours. Once you have something in mind, spend two minutes a day writing down every detail you can remember about your example. 

Pick a new item each day for 21 days.The third habit is the “Fun 15”. The “Fun 15” is about incorporating physical activity into your life, it entails adding 15 minutes of fun physical activity to your day (walk, swim, garden, play with the dog). Achor's theory is the more you add fun, positive activity into your life, the more your brain gets into the habit of adding fun activity.

The fourth habit involves practicing random acts of kindness. Achor also calls this "The Ripple Affect”. He recommends consciously adding three smiles to your day, smiling at random people you see throughout the day. This habit raises your level of happiness; if you smile the brain actually feels happier. When we smile mirror neurons in the brain light up the brain and drop dopamine into our systems.

The fifth habit is one of the greatest predictors of physical health. This habit is developing and maintaining meaningful social connections. Achor recommends "recharging your happiness battery" by thinking about one person in your social support network and spending two minutes writing them a positive note or email (praise or thanksgiving). As with the other habits, it is recommended that you continue this practice for 21 days. This habit often leads to giving others more positive feedback throughout the day. I recommend trying just one of these habits for 21 days and enjoying the results.